FIRESTORM (1998)

Who doesn't love a good action movie? Little dialogue, lots of explosions, what more could a guy ask for? As much as I like to wax on about Citizen Kane, I'll pop Die Hard in the DVD player at least twice a week.

At first glance Firestorm may seem like a potentially good action film. I mean it's got everything you need: Escaped convicts, damsels in distress, and of curse LOTS and LOTS of FIRE. Doesn't sound too bad, right?

DEAD. WRONG.

Look at the cover of the DVD. Is that...No, but, yes OH MY GOD IT'S HOWIE LONG!!!

That's right folks, the warning is right on the box. This is the one time leading debut of everyone's favorite has-been football pro-turned Radioshack spokesman. In 1998 he had just come off a dazzling career of bit parts and late night infomercials and FOX studios (In all it's infinite wisdom) decided to give Captain Flatop a chance to star in his very own action movie as "Smoke jumper" Jesse Graves.

Speaking of smoking; just what exactly was BEING smoked when they cast this movie. My guess would be the session went something like this:

PRODUCER: Well, so, we've got two choices for our lead.

EXECUTIVE: Who?

PRODUCER: Well it's a toss up between Howie Long and a can of Boston Baked Beans.

EXECUTIVE: Shit....I say we go with the Bean's.

PRODUCER: Sir, the beans are in the Union.

EXECUTIVE: Oh. Well give Howie's agent a call then...


Seriously, take a gander at the movie. First off; what kind of an action hero wears EYEGLASSES? I mean If he is a fire jumper, you'd think they would have to have some kind of vision test. Secondly, one can clearly see within the first few excruciating minutes of the film that Long has all the personality of a doorknob. I mean it, if this guys acting was any more wooden he'd be a fucking barn door with big white letters screaming "WHAT IN GOD'S NAME WHERE YOU THINKING THOMAS M. HAMMEL! P.S. THANX FOR CASTING MARLON WAYNES IN DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS TOO, JACKASS..."

Like I said before, the actual plot isn't to bad for an action film. Basically, a bunch of Canadian (that's right) prisoners escape into a wildfire to recover stolen money, and tangling with Long's character in the process. See, like I said FINE ON PAPER. However, once the film started rolling, everything begins to fall apart spiraling into a ghastly piece of crap.

The main baddy, played by veteran actor William Forsythe , is an eye-watering bore. The stereotypical villain, he is mean, thuggish and brutal, and he does it all with a laughable Canadian accent that would make the cast of SCTV blush.

Essentially this flick is what happens when you mix bad casting, bad acting, and Canada. The bottom line? They should have torched this box office bore long before it found it's way into theaters.

KAZAAM (1996)

Now there are a few categories of bad movies.

There are movies that are just plain bad, movies that suck, movies that REALLY suck, and movies that you would rather have VD than watch,...

And then there is KAZAAM.




This is by far the absolute WORST movie I have ever had the sad, sad, misfortune of having to sit through. Kazaam is, by definition, a crime against humanity and the worst part is that I recognized this upon one viewing at the tender age of eleven years old.

Basically the "movie" chronicles the plight of a white kid in "the hood" who finds an old boom box which contains a genie (aka the ever eloquent thespian known as SHAQ) who grants his wishes and helps little whitey take down some baddies in a gang who have been picking on him.

Besides the bad decision to cast a guy who can barley speak the English language as the LEAD FUCKING ROLE, does anybody else find the idea of casting an African American as person who is CAPTIVE and is forced to do things for somebody he is constantly call his MASTER just a tad questionable?

Who, do you ask, must we blame/ burn at the stake for opting to create such a gloriously awful piece of crap? Well we can start with director/crime fighter PAUL MICHAEL GLASER. That's right Starsk from STARSKY AND HUTCH so thoughtfully delivered this flaming turd into the world. Now, taking into account that he did direct the slightly-less-than-horrible film THE RUNNING MAN, I still feel that Kazam warrants a couple stinging bitch slaps from Huggy Bear at the very least.

Make no mistake about it, Shaq was big in the 90's. Somehow the powers that be in the world of electronic media took a mighty hit from Ye OLde Crack Pipe and decided to shove the giant basketball star down the collective throats of every single person in America. Not only were we graced with Kazaam, but also were treated to SHAQ-FU: a Mortal Combat -esq video game in which Shaq battles enemies in his Lakers jersey.

Much like the movie, the game tanked, leaving countless children and teens across America staring curled up in the fetal position in front of their Sega Genesis consoles.

But that's not all, in 1993 some glue sniffing executive at Jive Records decided to let the Shaqster release a RAP ALBUM!!!???

SHAQ DIESEL- The is just as horrible musically as Kazaam id visually. With hard hitting lyrics like "Cause there's some things that I gotta' do: /Tape up the ankle, pump up my Shaq-shoe" and "I can flow like pee, coming out you know what/Or some ookey diarrhea coming out yo butt", Shaq Diesel took America by storm; and by "take America by storm" I mean " Was so bad Shaq's grandmother probubly used the disc as a coaster for her Ensure."

So all in all, we basically have somebody who failed miserably in all threr forms of major entertainment...that's gotta be some kind of record.

Thankfully, Kazaam has since taken its rightful place in Wal Mart bargin bins across the country, and Mr. "Shaq Attack" himself has taken his bad acting/rapping/crimefighting far far away from LA thus ensureing that he is AS FAR AWAY from the "industry" as humanly possible. To sum it up, Kazaam is a VERY VERY VERY bad movie.

Well, at least we can be greatful Shaq didn't make any MORE movies...right? RIGHT?...

THE END...

OR IS IT???

And So It Begins...

Hello my name is CHRIS...and I LOVE crappy movies.

Ok, I don't LOVE them per say. More like loathe them with every fiber of my being. As someone who has been watching films voraciously since age six, I belive that a bad movie is waste of my time and money. Sweet jesus if I got every dollar I spent on movies like WILD WILD WEST, MAJOR PAYNE, and SCREAM 4 back, I'd be Bill fucking Gates!

But I must admit, bad movies are like car wrecks: You know it won't be pretty, yet you HAVE to look. Latley I become obssesed with these cinematic atrocities and thus have in my infinite wisdom, decide to share them with you. Basically, I watch them so you don't have to...

It is here on this blog that I'll be posting my reviews of some of the worst movies ever made.

"How bad could they be?" you ask. Well, ever heard of a little movie called FIRESTORM

Yeah, were talking THAT kind of bad.