Now there are a few categories of bad movies.
There are movies that are just plain bad, movies that suck, movies that REALLY suck, and movies that you would rather have VD than watch,...
And then there is KAZAAM.
This is by far the absolute WORST movie I have ever had the sad, sad, misfortune of having to sit through. Kazaam is, by definition, a crime against humanity and the worst part is that I recognized this upon one viewing at the tender age of eleven years old.
Basically the "movie" chronicles the plight of a white kid in "the hood" who finds an old boom box which contains a genie (aka the ever eloquent thespian known as SHAQ) who grants his wishes and helps little whitey take down some baddies in a gang who have been picking on him.
Besides the bad decision to cast a guy who can barley speak the English language as the LEAD FUCKING ROLE, does anybody else find the idea of casting an African American as person who is CAPTIVE and is forced to do things for somebody he is constantly call his MASTER just a tad questionable?
Who, do you ask, must we blame/ burn at the stake for opting to create such a gloriously awful piece of crap? Well we can start with director/crime fighter PAUL MICHAEL GLASER. That's right Starsk from STARSKY AND HUTCH so thoughtfully delivered this flaming turd into the world. Now, taking into account that he did direct the slightly-less-than-horrible film THE RUNNING MAN, I still feel that Kazam warrants a couple stinging bitch slaps from Huggy Bear at the very least.
Make no mistake about it, Shaq was big in the 90's. Somehow the powers that be in the world of electronic media took a mighty hit from Ye OLde Crack Pipe and decided to shove the giant basketball star down the collective throats of every single person in America. Not only were we graced with Kazaam, but also were treated to SHAQ-FU: a Mortal Combat -esq video game in which Shaq battles enemies in his Lakers jersey.
Much like the movie, the game tanked, leaving countless children and teens across America staring curled up in the fetal position in front of their Sega Genesis consoles.
But that's not all, in 1993 some glue sniffing executive at Jive Records decided to let the Shaqster release a RAP ALBUM!!!???
SHAQ DIESEL- The is just as horrible musically as Kazaam id visually. With hard hitting lyrics like "Cause there's some things that I gotta' do: /Tape up the ankle, pump up my Shaq-shoe" and "I can flow like pee, coming out you know what/Or some ookey diarrhea coming out yo butt", Shaq Diesel took America by storm; and by "take America by storm" I mean " Was so bad Shaq's grandmother probubly used the disc as a coaster for her Ensure."
So all in all, we basically have somebody who failed miserably in all threr forms of major entertainment...that's gotta be some kind of record.
Thankfully, Kazaam has since taken its rightful place in Wal Mart bargin bins across the country, and Mr. "Shaq Attack" himself has taken his bad acting/rapping/crimefighting far far away from LA thus ensureing that he is AS FAR AWAY from the "industry" as humanly possible. To sum it up, Kazaam is a VERY VERY VERY bad movie.
Well, at least we can be greatful Shaq didn't make any MORE movies...right? RIGHT?...
THE END...
OR IS IT???
