FIRESTORM (1998)

Who doesn't love a good action movie? Little dialogue, lots of explosions, what more could a guy ask for? As much as I like to wax on about Citizen Kane, I'll pop Die Hard in the DVD player at least twice a week.

At first glance Firestorm may seem like a potentially good action film. I mean it's got everything you need: Escaped convicts, damsels in distress, and of curse LOTS and LOTS of FIRE. Doesn't sound too bad, right?

DEAD. WRONG.

Look at the cover of the DVD. Is that...No, but, yes OH MY GOD IT'S HOWIE LONG!!!

That's right folks, the warning is right on the box. This is the one time leading debut of everyone's favorite has-been football pro-turned Radioshack spokesman. In 1998 he had just come off a dazzling career of bit parts and late night infomercials and FOX studios (In all it's infinite wisdom) decided to give Captain Flatop a chance to star in his very own action movie as "Smoke jumper" Jesse Graves.

Speaking of smoking; just what exactly was BEING smoked when they cast this movie. My guess would be the session went something like this:

PRODUCER: Well, so, we've got two choices for our lead.

EXECUTIVE: Who?

PRODUCER: Well it's a toss up between Howie Long and a can of Boston Baked Beans.

EXECUTIVE: Shit....I say we go with the Bean's.

PRODUCER: Sir, the beans are in the Union.

EXECUTIVE: Oh. Well give Howie's agent a call then...


Seriously, take a gander at the movie. First off; what kind of an action hero wears EYEGLASSES? I mean If he is a fire jumper, you'd think they would have to have some kind of vision test. Secondly, one can clearly see within the first few excruciating minutes of the film that Long has all the personality of a doorknob. I mean it, if this guys acting was any more wooden he'd be a fucking barn door with big white letters screaming "WHAT IN GOD'S NAME WHERE YOU THINKING THOMAS M. HAMMEL! P.S. THANX FOR CASTING MARLON WAYNES IN DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS TOO, JACKASS..."

Like I said before, the actual plot isn't to bad for an action film. Basically, a bunch of Canadian (that's right) prisoners escape into a wildfire to recover stolen money, and tangling with Long's character in the process. See, like I said FINE ON PAPER. However, once the film started rolling, everything begins to fall apart spiraling into a ghastly piece of crap.

The main baddy, played by veteran actor William Forsythe , is an eye-watering bore. The stereotypical villain, he is mean, thuggish and brutal, and he does it all with a laughable Canadian accent that would make the cast of SCTV blush.

Essentially this flick is what happens when you mix bad casting, bad acting, and Canada. The bottom line? They should have torched this box office bore long before it found it's way into theaters.